Today is Janet's funeral. Sadly she passed away nearly 3 weeks ago but happily surrounded by her family. Lee and I will be going along with what seems to be most of Wimborne. It isn't something I'm particularly looking forward to given the last funeral I attended.
I did a bit of soul searching this morning and whilst I know that most people struggle with death I seem to have full blown panic attacks when I think about death & dying. I believe this is called thanatophobia - an intense fear of death or the dying process and I have to be honest its getting worse as I get older. Unsurprising given that with every day that passes we just get a day closer to the inevitable. I wonder if this is why people turn to religion as they get older, so that they find comfort in knowing there's something "after".
This will be my third funeral this year. I've only been to 6 in my whole life. I lost all three of my grandparents within 15 months of each other when I was in my twenties. It reached the point where you've barely had time to grieve before you're starting that process again.
This year we lost Alan. A close family friend who didn't survive his battle with cancer, the same cancer that my dad did beat. He was a wonderful man and I have felt his loss with such a fierce emotion it almost feels over the top. I still get exceptionally choked up thinking about him today. I was bereft at his funeral which feels so selfish as his family's loss was far greater than my own.
Lee and I went to Karl's funeral just a couple of months ago, which wasn't as close for me, but seeing Lee in pain wasn't fun but being there for him provided some comfort.
Today I'm sad for the lovely family I've come to know. Sad that I didn't know this wonderful lady who most people can share a funny story about. From hiding bottles of booze around her flat to shouting down the bar "give me my fucking vodka" to dancing in the pub. I hope these stories live on. I hope that we continue to talk about her and keep her memory alive.
During her final months when I had taken the pub on, she doggedly forced her carers to wheel her down to The Oddies for a small glass of shiraz every day, it seemed to give her some joy to be here, even if it pissed the carers off - and good on her.
Again the sun is shining today. The family have asked for people to wear bright colours and I have no doubt this will be an amazing send off for an amazing woman. And given the stories she's probably watching down with a glass of vodka or shiraz in her hand having a dance with her husband.